Upon Flying Low Over the Great Plains on the Fourth of July

Upon Flying Low Over the Great Plains on the Fourth of July

By: Dave Woehrle

In his window seat next to her, he observes:

fire confetti leap to tickle wings,

each burst reflects Lucky Charms green,

virgin panty pink,

colors on the wing's underbelly,

twisting to turn on the shiny metal tip.

Aliens must saucer over us on Independence Day

with sodas, popcorn, and expectations,

loving the show, the explosions.

They imagine Kansas full of robed alchemists

celebrating summer corn with fuschia flames at night.

So he laughs at these star hiccups,

these lily pads of light

splashing the lithosphere

cupped in his oval window.

She sighs, turns the page of her Vogue. It’s just fireworks, honey.

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 2)

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 2)
by: Dave Woehrle

(Note: these writings are meant to be comedic. As the great German composer Johannes Brahms put it, "If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon." Or, as my Grandpa Woehrle used to put it, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Coffeehouse Open Mic Night

Coffeehouse open mic nights ought to be more accurately renamed "Sad Thin White People With Guitars / Occasional Fat Girl Reading a Poem About Birds."

Females Saying "Nothing"

When a female is angry and distant, and a male boyfriend asks "What's wrong?" the woman will say, "Nothing." However, she does not mean "nothing is wrong." What she ought to say is the following: "I'm upset. However, I will not tell you why I'm upset. You will have to arbitrarily guess as to what is bothering me. This includes not only bad things you have done, but things you have NOT done, things you forgot to do/say/think/feel. I hope you feel real bad for a few days while I remain silently mad. That is all."

Yogurt

You never see men in yogurt commercials. There ought to be men in yogurt commercials. I don't have a vagina, but I do enjoy my morning Yoplait. The dairy marketing feminists have taken things too far.

Fun Size / King Size

Candy companies ought to stop naming small candy bars "Fun Size" and large candy bars "King Size" for it implies being a king isn't fun, and I don't think that's the case. There's a reason people want to be king, to rule the world: it's awesome. You get respect and bling and concubines and jesters and bad ass cheetah-skin robes. Conversely, history has shown the small peons of society had very little fun. The only fun they could have was dictated by the kingdom's rules. In other words, the opposite of "fun" isn't "king." The unit of measure is metaphorically confusing.

Candy bars ought to be named "Peasant Size" and "King Size." That way, during Halloween, you could go to your door and, judging by the child's aroma and costume, decide their socio-economic status snack. Little Jayden, smelling like Trust Fund and Country Club membership, wearing a brand-new Optimus Prime get-up, would get a "King Size." Little Rusty, smelling of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and WWF Raw reruns, wearing a soiled bed sheet with two non-equidistant holes in it, would get the "Peasant Size." It's called reality. And besides, how else are kids going to learn about feudalism nowadays?

Masturbation As Patriotic

Masturbation ought to be considered patriotic. In a country so fiercely proud of its Git-Er-Dun independence, it's odd an activity in which a citizen literally takes matters in his/her own hands is frowned upon. It's just so American to dive down into the trenches and rise gloriously to blissful freedom. And what do you REALLY think about when you hear the words "above the fruited plain" in "America the Beautiful"?

Perhaps our Christian Puritan roots hindered our private-playing pride, but what about the hymn "Come All Ye Faithful?" Besides the great title, the song contains such wink-wink phrases as "Come and Behold Him!" and "Born this happy morning!" and "Now in flesh appearing!"

The French refer to the orgasm as "la petite mort" (the little death). Leave it to the retreat-hungry French to find defeat in something so great.

I just hope I live to see a bumper sticker on a pick-up truck that reads "These colors don't run. They come hard."

Listening

Listening
by: Dave Woehrle

I said, "There's an odd, liberating feeling about playing music for an audience that's not really listening. "

He said, "I feel the same way about praying."

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 1)

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 1)

By: Dave Woehrle

The following are some suggestions I have to make our society a better place.

Nap Snack Officers

Remember when you got cranky as a child, and your mother correctly prescribed either a nap or a snack? At what age did this stop being a cure-all remedy? Seriously. As adults, we like to think our problems are inherently complicated, that our crappy moods are somehow rationalized by adult responsibilities. Truth to be told, most of us are just hungry or tired.

So I propose the American government – as long as they’re wasting money just for yuks anyway – hire officers to hand out homemade quilts and boxes of Animal Crackers to struggling, cranky citizens. These officials will have purple capes with the yellow letters “NSO” on them (“Nap Snack Officers”).

Can you imagine business meetings for multi-billion dollar corporations, CEOs arguing over a huge marble table, hell about to break loose? Then a NSO arrives and suddenly the rich bastards are chewing Animal Crackers, saying things like, “I like the giraffes the best. I swear they taste better somehow.” Then snack-induced naps occur under crumb-ridden quilts. They all wake up at peace with themselves and the world.

Calling In Horny

I propose American workers should be given twelve days off a year off for the sole purpose of making love. Think of them as “personal” days, but the good kind.

How great would it be to call your boss in the morning, and, instead of trying to sound like you have a cold, you could just say, “Hey. It’s me. Yeah, I don’t think I can make it in today. Why? Because, well, me and lady are just gonna fuck like bunnies all day. Just being honest. I mean, we had our usual morning session, and it went real well. I think we have a few more pre-shower rounds in us. Then we’ll have some dank-ass omelets, another round of bumping uglies, and then we’ll settle down can catch up on Netflix. Frankly, sir, I just can’t seem to find a good reason to put on clothes today. So I’m using one of my Horny days. But I’ll be in tomorrow. Thanks for your understanding.”

PS: I chose twelve days for the sake of ovulation.

Calling In Confused

This is, admittedly, not as fun as Calling In Horny, but equally important. Some days you wake up and you just don’t know. You actually wake up and say, “I just don’t know.” You know that feeling? The “Christ-Almighty-What-The-Hell-Am-I-Doing-With-My-Time-Here-On-Earth” feeling? Yeah. We should be given at least four days a year to deal with those existentially crushing feelings.

You could call your boss and say, “Hey. It’s me. Yeah. I’m Calling In Confused. I’m just going to sit inside and sigh. Just sigh. Real loud angry sighs. Meaningful sighs. Then maybe read Robert Frost, listen to about three Elliot Smith albums, and then stare out the window for six hours with tears in my eyes. That’s where I’m at today. But my forlorn ass will be back on the job tomorrow, sir.”

The Great American Novel

The Great American Novel
by: Dave Woehrle

1: "My dad told me I should write. And I was like, 'Dad, that sounds, like, it sounds like such a chore."

2: "That's funny."

1: "Yeah, it's so much time."

2: "I know. I took Creative Writing in college. I liked it. It was fun."

1: "It IS fun. I like writing. I like it, too, but..."

2: "Yeah."

Pause. Silence. Number 1 picks up a book from the Self-Help section.

1: "So I asked my husband to go to Daddy Boot Camp and he said No."

2: "That's funny." (said in the same meaningless deadpan tone of the first "That's funny")

------Conversation overheard between two blonde pregnant women at a bookstore.

Sophistication

Sophistication

By: Dave Woehrle

When I was 20, I fell for a woman with eyes like the back of burnt CDs, a green containing melodies. She wore cardigans, enjoyed wine, swing sets in the rain, and collecting rubber chickens. She was 23. A journalist. A tea-drinker. Sophisticated. Smarter than me. I think she liked me because I played an instrument and knew who Simone de Beauvoir was.

Over dinner in a Thai restaurant one night early in our courting period, there was a lull in the conversation. She’d been explaining why Aimee Mann albums were important and I’d been nodding. It was quiet, so I asked her if she had to have sex with an animal, which animal would it be. She said nothing and stared. More silence. I said I’d chose pandas, nature’s cuddlers.

She was grossed out. Put her chopsticks down. She asked what kind of question was that. I said it was theoretical, you know, it’s not as if we’d have to go to the zoo after she answered. She said it was different for girls. I said I’m sure it was, that’s why I ask. What’s the female perspective here sorta thing.

She wasn’t speaking then, so I tried to laugh it off, Just kidding, sweet pea. After awhile, she faked a laugh too and said, “You’re cute,” which means, as I’ve learned over the years, “You’re still 16.”

A month later, she concluded I was too immature for her, said she wanted something “more serious.”

She should have just said “Komodo Dragon” and then we’d be married today.

Things I Enjoy Imagining While Bored at Work

Things I Enjoy Imagining While Bored at Work

By: Day Vivid

---A Unicorn Riding a Tractor

He’s a yellow slouching unicorn with sad eyes, a John Deere hat balanced precariously on his horn, a piece of wheat wedged in his mouth, his glittery hooves working the levers, and he’s plowing a field at sunset. He says, “It’s been a dry year. Real dry,” and he shakes his head, unicorn mane dandruff falling to the soil and sprouting baby marshmallow trees.

---Having Sexual Intercourse with Scarlett Johansson for 25 minutes

Duh. The fantasy isn’t that I’m having sex with a beautiful Hollywood star; it’s the lasting of 25 minutes. I think I would blow my wad just by smelling her hair. Or if she made eye contact with me and said, “Hi, Dave.”

---People Who Walk On Stilts

I have no idea how a person gets on stilts. Do they start on their backs, attach the stilts, and then get raised up like an Amish barn by their fellow parade people? Are there ropes? Can one get on stilts alone? I imagine all sorts of scenarios, like being dropped from a low-hovering helicopter, or some kind of pulley system / pole-vaulting system. (And why is Uncle Sam always on them on the Fourth of July? Are we such a small-dicked insecure nation that our military spokesman has to be eleven feet tall?)

---Having Coffee with Tom Waits During a Long Winter

It’s a small diner and he’s wearing a great black hat. The coffee is also great and black. It’s snowing outside and we nod at this. We trade facts about animals. We talk blues and metaphors. He understands my pained grunts. He makes the waitress, whose name is Betsy, laugh repeatedly.

---Several Unicorns with Razor-sharp Teeth Devouring an Opera Audience

These unicorns are different from the benign tractor kind. These unicorns’ bodies are white with purple spots, and their eyes bright red. They are released after a heartbreaking aria, when the posh crowd – decked out in fur coats, white gloves and monocles – are drying their wealthy eyes. The lighting people on the catwalk turn on a smoke machine and a strobelight. The unicorns, at least a dozen of them, each with a raging mouthful of foam and sharks teeth, go for the throats, cutting all screams short. The massacre is therefore nearly silent, except for the orchestra and opera singers, who continue making beautiful music, yet they are now the audience, the viewers, the takers-in of the spectacle.

---A Laughing Child Chasing a Frightened Goose Near a Creek in the Sun

It’s just a pleasant image. The pure innocence of the child next to the pure terror of the goose is a glorious contrast.

---How the Show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Would Be Different without the “Ninja” Part

They’re just four adolescent reptiles with disabilities. Raphael is missing a leg as well as a sai. Leonardo is autistic; he randomly screams and repeatedly bangs his head against the sewer walls. He uses harmless, rubber swords. Michelangelo wears large headphones all the time and drools; he still break dances but not coherently. Donatello is good with computers but in the idiot savant Rain Man way; he is emotionally distant. Splinter has a heart of gold, taking care of all them, handing out stickers for good behavior.

---Baloney and Other Meat Words

How did “baloney” become synonymous with “bullshit”? Oh, that’s just a bunch of baloney. You never hear anyone say, “That’s a bunch of honey maple turkey.” But I imagine a world where all meats have their descriptive place in our daily language. Like after watching a life-affirming sunrise, you’d say, “Oh, man, now THAT’S some good smoked ham.”

---Pablo Neruda and Elliot Smith Sharing a Loaf of Bread in the Afterlife

They’re together at a blue table on a veranda in France. They don’t speak. They smile and sip wine until they’re happily weeping and playing chess in the dark.

---Beating Someone with Lobsters

The tail of a lobster looks like a sword handle. Hence, I would love to take two live ones and use them as swords. The lobsters would be angry at their new duties as weaponry, and they’d voice that concern with the angry pinching of their claws. So I feel the upswing of my thrashes would be almost as devastating as my down swings because the lobsters’ pinchers would take eyelids and earlobes with them. I’m unfamiliar with the structural integrity of a lobster’s exoskeleton, but I imagine I could give someone a pretty ass-kicking with lobsters.

---A Job Where Imagination is a Virtue

Yeah. That.