Things I Enjoy Imagining While Bored at Work
By: Day Vivid
---A Unicorn Riding a Tractor
He’s a yellow slouching unicorn with sad eyes, a John Deere hat balanced precariously on his horn, a piece of wheat wedged in his mouth, his glittery hooves working the levers, and he’s plowing a field at sunset. He says, “It’s been a dry year. Real dry,” and he shakes his head, unicorn mane dandruff falling to the soil and sprouting baby marshmallow trees.
---Having Sexual Intercourse with Scarlett Johansson for 25 minutes
Duh. The fantasy isn’t that I’m having sex with a beautiful Hollywood star; it’s the lasting of 25 minutes. I think I would blow my wad just by smelling her hair. Or if she made eye contact with me and said, “Hi, Dave.”
---People Who Walk On Stilts
I have no idea how a person gets on stilts. Do they start on their backs, attach the stilts, and then get raised up like an Amish barn by their fellow parade people? Are there ropes? Can one get on stilts alone? I imagine all sorts of scenarios, like being dropped from a low-hovering helicopter, or some kind of pulley system / pole-vaulting system. (And why is Uncle Sam always on them on the Fourth of July? Are we such a small-dicked insecure nation that our military spokesman has to be eleven feet tall?)
---Having Coffee with Tom Waits During a Long Winter
It’s a small diner and he’s wearing a great black hat. The coffee is also great and black. It’s snowing outside and we nod at this. We trade facts about animals. We talk blues and metaphors. He understands my pained grunts. He makes the waitress, whose name is Betsy, laugh repeatedly.
---Several Unicorns with Razor-sharp Teeth Devouring an Opera Audience
These unicorns are different from the benign tractor kind. These unicorns’ bodies are white with purple spots, and their eyes bright red. They are released after a heartbreaking aria, when the posh crowd – decked out in fur coats, white gloves and monocles – are drying their wealthy eyes. The lighting people on the catwalk turn on a smoke machine and a strobelight. The unicorns, at least a dozen of them, each with a raging mouthful of foam and sharks teeth, go for the throats, cutting all screams short. The massacre is therefore nearly silent, except for the orchestra and opera singers, who continue making beautiful music, yet they are now the audience, the viewers, the takers-in of the spectacle.
---A Laughing Child Chasing a Frightened Goose Near a Creek in the Sun
It’s just a pleasant image. The pure innocence of the child next to the pure terror of the goose is a glorious contrast.
---How the Show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Would Be Different without the “Ninja” Part
They’re just four adolescent reptiles with disabilities. Raphael is missing a leg as well as a sai. Leonardo is autistic; he randomly screams and repeatedly bangs his head against the sewer walls. He uses harmless, rubber swords. Michelangelo wears large headphones all the time and drools; he still break dances but not coherently. Donatello is good with computers but in the idiot savant Rain Man way; he is emotionally distant. Splinter has a heart of gold, taking care of all them, handing out stickers for good behavior.
---Baloney and Other Meat Words
How did “baloney” become synonymous with “bullshit”? Oh, that’s just a bunch of baloney. You never hear anyone say, “That’s a bunch of honey maple turkey.” But I imagine a world where all meats have their descriptive place in our daily language. Like after watching a life-affirming sunrise, you’d say, “Oh, man, now THAT’S some good smoked ham.”
---Pablo Neruda and Elliot Smith Sharing a Loaf of Bread in the Afterlife
They’re together at a blue table on a veranda in France. They don’t speak. They smile and sip wine until they’re happily weeping and playing chess in the dark.
---Beating Someone with Lobsters
The tail of a lobster looks like a sword handle. Hence, I would love to take two live ones and use them as swords. The lobsters would be angry at their new duties as weaponry, and they’d voice that concern with the angry pinching of their claws. So I feel the upswing of my thrashes would be almost as devastating as my down swings because the lobsters’ pinchers would take eyelids and earlobes with them. I’m unfamiliar with the structural integrity of a lobster’s exoskeleton, but I imagine I could give someone a pretty ass-kicking with lobsters.
---A Job Where Imagination is a Virtue
Yeah. That.
