26 on 26
By: Dave Woehrle
I recently turned 26 years of age. The following are some bits of wisdom I’ve acquired during my earthly stay thus far. Enjoy.
1. Never high-five a woman after sex. Never. She will neither comply nor laugh.
2. It’s okay to consume a whole anything (pizza, watermelon, a bottle of Jim Beam, box of Fruit Loops, carton of ice cream, birthday cake that isn’t yours, etc.) Never let varying units of measure hinder completion.
3. A really fat man walking a really small dog is one of the most agreeable sights.
4. Read. Do it. Yes, you have time to do it. No one talks about how playing Angry Birds on the long train ride changed their life. On your deathbed, you will NOT regret missing “Dancing with the Stars” either. Missing out on some Steinbeck, well, that should haunt you.
5. Make love outside at least once in your life. It’s the best way to get grass stains.
6. If you’ve been drinking, do not attempt to ride those playground creatures on bouncy springs. You will get severely injured.
7. There’s a moment of profound yet wonderful dread when you meet the eyes of another person eating fast food alone in the parking lot alone, just like you.
8. Never trust a man who wears a sweater vest or hair gel. Especially if he’s smiling. He’s trying to sell you something.
9. Get lost in a foreign country at dusk at least once. It’s the best way to know your ego.
10. I’m not saying good love-making will solve the world’s problems, but it’s not like Barry White was a terrorist.
11. You never see a squirrel walk. They always scamper and dash. They’re up to something.
12. The word “Agenda” sounds like the name of a beautiful black woman.
13. When all else fails, dip pretzels in cream cheese and watch Sportscenter until you pass out.
14. Don’t reach the age of 26 without owning at least one of the following: a cowboy hat, a ukulele, a cross-bow, or Van Morrison’s Moondance on vinyl.
15. The Golden Rule was God’s way of telling us oral sex is highly encouraged.
16. Falling off an elephant makes you feel alive.
17. Beetlejuice is the greatest movie ever made.
18. Shania Twain should die.
19. The sum of all human tragedy can be summed up with this: “I didn’t want that to happen, but then it did. Damn it.” It’s difficult for academics in the humanities to admit this.
20. Never start an acappella gospel band no matter how good you feel about being alive.
21. Bisexuals are just people who’ve done the math.
22. You never see gardeners mope.
23. The largest game of leap frog used 849 members. When I’m having a bad day, I think about each of those 849 individuals and hope they know how beautiful they are.
24. Chicken noodle soup, a homemade quilt, sweatpants, and a Disney movie cures the common cold.
25. Buffalo Wild Wings…it happens.
26. The daughter of a fellow musician friend of mine gave her review of the musical “South Pacific” and inadvertently said what I hope are my last words: “I didn’t really get it, but the music was nice.”
