Listening

Listening
by: Dave Woehrle

I said, "There's an odd, liberating feeling about playing music for an audience that's not really listening. "

He said, "I feel the same way about praying."

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 1)

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 1)

By: Dave Woehrle

The following are some suggestions I have to make our society a better place.

Nap Snack Officers

Remember when you got cranky as a child, and your mother correctly prescribed either a nap or a snack? At what age did this stop being a cure-all remedy? Seriously. As adults, we like to think our problems are inherently complicated, that our crappy moods are somehow rationalized by adult responsibilities. Truth to be told, most of us are just hungry or tired.

So I propose the American government – as long as they’re wasting money just for yuks anyway – hire officers to hand out homemade quilts and boxes of Animal Crackers to struggling, cranky citizens. These officials will have purple capes with the yellow letters “NSO” on them (“Nap Snack Officers”).

Can you imagine business meetings for multi-billion dollar corporations, CEOs arguing over a huge marble table, hell about to break loose? Then a NSO arrives and suddenly the rich bastards are chewing Animal Crackers, saying things like, “I like the giraffes the best. I swear they taste better somehow.” Then snack-induced naps occur under crumb-ridden quilts. They all wake up at peace with themselves and the world.

Calling In Horny

I propose American workers should be given twelve days off a year off for the sole purpose of making love. Think of them as “personal” days, but the good kind.

How great would it be to call your boss in the morning, and, instead of trying to sound like you have a cold, you could just say, “Hey. It’s me. Yeah, I don’t think I can make it in today. Why? Because, well, me and lady are just gonna fuck like bunnies all day. Just being honest. I mean, we had our usual morning session, and it went real well. I think we have a few more pre-shower rounds in us. Then we’ll have some dank-ass omelets, another round of bumping uglies, and then we’ll settle down can catch up on Netflix. Frankly, sir, I just can’t seem to find a good reason to put on clothes today. So I’m using one of my Horny days. But I’ll be in tomorrow. Thanks for your understanding.”

PS: I chose twelve days for the sake of ovulation.

Calling In Confused

This is, admittedly, not as fun as Calling In Horny, but equally important. Some days you wake up and you just don’t know. You actually wake up and say, “I just don’t know.” You know that feeling? The “Christ-Almighty-What-The-Hell-Am-I-Doing-With-My-Time-Here-On-Earth” feeling? Yeah. We should be given at least four days a year to deal with those existentially crushing feelings.

You could call your boss and say, “Hey. It’s me. Yeah. I’m Calling In Confused. I’m just going to sit inside and sigh. Just sigh. Real loud angry sighs. Meaningful sighs. Then maybe read Robert Frost, listen to about three Elliot Smith albums, and then stare out the window for six hours with tears in my eyes. That’s where I’m at today. But my forlorn ass will be back on the job tomorrow, sir.”

The Great American Novel

The Great American Novel
by: Dave Woehrle

1: "My dad told me I should write. And I was like, 'Dad, that sounds, like, it sounds like such a chore."

2: "That's funny."

1: "Yeah, it's so much time."

2: "I know. I took Creative Writing in college. I liked it. It was fun."

1: "It IS fun. I like writing. I like it, too, but..."

2: "Yeah."

Pause. Silence. Number 1 picks up a book from the Self-Help section.

1: "So I asked my husband to go to Daddy Boot Camp and he said No."

2: "That's funny." (said in the same meaningless deadpan tone of the first "That's funny")

------Conversation overheard between two blonde pregnant women at a bookstore.