Conversations With Kids (Vol. 1)
By Dave Woehrle
Hands
“Look
at your hands, Mr. Dave.”
“What
about them?”
“You
have hands like Shrek hands.”
What’s
Inside
“I
feel like the Earth is inside something.”
“The
Earth is inside something: a solar system and a galaxy and a universe.”
“I
know. But it’s different. It’s like the Earth is so small and so fast.”
“Okay.”
“I just
really want to go sledding, Mr. Dave.”
Eating
“Mr.
Dave, what are you eating?”
“Pistachios.”
“Do
pistachios have a lot of fat in them?”
“Yes,
but they’re the good kind of fat.”
“What’s
the good kind of fat?”
“Unsaturated
fats.”
“Un-Saturday
fats?”
“No,
I said – ”
“It’s
Wednesday, Mr. Dave. And you need to be careful at your age. You could be
eating something fatty, and then, boom,
hospital.”
“How
old do you think I am?”
“48.”
“I’m
not 48.”
“But
you’re always coughing.”
Throwing
I ask, “Why did you throw a stick at his head?”
“Because I wanted to see him duck.”
Disco
Snowflake
“Mr.
Dave, you’re such a disco snowflake.”
“What’s
a disco snowflake?”
“It’s
what you are.”
“But
why?”
“You
love the snow and you love to dance.”
“Fair
enough.”
Food
and Continents
Child 1: “Continents
are so cool.”
Child 2: “Yeah. But not all of them. I like cheese sticks
more than I like Antarctica.”
Child 1: “Well, I like broccoli more than I like North
America.”
Fathers
“You
remind me of my dad, Mr. Dave.”
“How
so?”
“You’re
really nice and you’re really fat.”
Housing
“Mr.
Dave, can you take a picture of your house and show it to us?”
“Why?”
“I
want to see what your house looks like.”
“I
don’t have a house. I have an apartment.”
“An
apartment? But you’re so big.”
Eyes
“My cousin got a
dog. They will have him for several years. Until he dies, I guess.”
“Cool.”
“He’s
great. He has beautiful eyes. His eyes are like bunny’s eyes.”
“Are
bunny eyes beautiful?”
“Oh
yes. They’re terribly beautiful.”
Love
and Soup
“Mr.
Dave, is there a Mrs. Dave?’
“No.
And her name wouldn’t be Mrs. Dave.”
“Are
you married?”
“No.”
“Do
you have a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“So
what’s wrong?”
“Geez.
You cut to the chase. I don’t know. It just hasn’t happened.”
“Do
you live alone?”
“I
do.”
“Is
it lonely?”
“No,
it’s not so bad.”
“Do
people bring you soup?”
“Why
would people bring me soup?”
“My
grandma lives alone. Sometimes we bring her soup.”
“No
one brings me soup.”
“Do
you like soup?”
“Yeah,
soup’s all right.”
“I
can bring you soup, Mr. Dave.”
“You
don’t need to bring me soup.”
Fighting
Two children wrestle recess. One yells to the other,
“I’m gonna punch your face until it’s a butt!”
As an
educator, I have to break up the fight, of course. I have to engage in a
sit-down with both students and get to the heart of the problem and make
amends. I have to encourage kind words and actions.
As
the person that I actually am, I’m wondering, How would that work exactly? How do you suppose his face would turn
into a butt? Would the nose, lips, mouth, eyes, eyebrows, ears, and hair just
fall off after a good uppercut? How would the crack appear? I need a diagram.
