Things My Father Said to Me

Things My Father Said To Me


By: Dave Woehrle










On Snacking:


“You know what I need? My fucking cheese balls. Where are they?”






On Snacking (part 2):


“I stashed them away and forgot about ‘em. Like a stupid squirrel who forgets where he buries his nuts.”


(rediscovered bag of Skittles)




On Snacking part (part 3):

"I don't do 'Mini' anything." (referring to Mini-Oreos)




On Hamburger Helper:

"I'm from a class of people who believe that hamburger doesn't need any help."




On Ducks:


“Did you know ducks shit in the water? I always thought they shit on land. But they shit in the water. Isn’t that crazy?”






On Bears: (first time meeting my new girlfriend, out to dinner at Red Lobster, this is the first thing he says to start a conversation):

“I’ve been dreaming about bears again lately. Last night, I dreamed I was near a stream, fishing. Then this bear comes up, you know? Big old bear and he’s wearing overalls, so I figure he’s a nice bear. Then he growls and starts chasing me and I run down the river shore. When I turn around, he’s in a little boat with an outboard motor, and he’s gaining on me. And all I can hear is the motor and his growling and then I wake up. Seriously. Scared the hell outta me. Something about this time of year, I tell ya, I dream about bears.”





On Cats:


(My father had ACL surgery. He was bed-ridden and full of painkillers.)


Dad: “You know, everybody loves kittens, yet everybody hates cats.”


Me: “What?”


Dad: “Don’t listen to me. I’m all fucked up.”




On Llamas:

"Llamas are spiteful creatures."




On Crabs in Florida:

"They're big. They're feisty. They're fucking quick."




On Memories:

"I swear to Christ, your Ma won't ever let me forget the time I almost shit my pants at Farm-N-Fleet."






On Computers:


“Fuck this shit.”





On Working for a Local Municipality (i.e. the government):

"When all is said and done, more is said than done."





On Figure Skating:


“See dat bitch fall when she tried her triple sow cow? She went ass over elbow on that one.”






On the Discovery Channel:


“It’s a beautiful thing when you slip into unconsciousness for two hours and wake up and still see dinosaurs on the screen.”






On the History Channel:


(mouth full of corn kernals): “You see, Dave, the pilot sits in a titanium tank that can withstand bullets up to six millimeters.”




On the Harry Potter Movies:

"Christ, they're still making those? Harry Potter must be 40 by now. I don't get that stuff. I don't do wizards."




On the film Titanic:

"You know, I've seen this movie a dozen times, and the ship always fucking sinks."




On Say Yes to the Dress:

"These bitches are slamming mimosas, so how do ya trust their judgment?"






On His Feet After Work:


“Damn, I’m gonna have to start putting sauce on these bad boys ‘cuz dere funky as fuck.”




On a Nasty Hungover Dump I Dropped:

"Christ! Did you eat a fucking car battery last night or something?"






On Sunsets:


Me: “You guys should really come out and check out this sunset.”


Dad: “No. I’m watching True Lies.”





On Using the Bathrooms at Pike's Peak in Colorado:

"Wait 'til I tell the guys at work I dropped one at 11,000 feet."





On Kidney Stones and Life:


“I suppose there’s no point in bitching about something you can’t change. But if that were the human way, we’d all be speechless.”






On TV choices of my mother:


"She's watching Dancing with the Jagoffs, so I decided to come down here and clean my guns."





On the primate fossils of Archicebus achilles found in Central China:


Dad: "You hear about that little monkey fossil they found?"


Me: "I did."


Dad: "It lived like 50 million years ago, and the little fucker only weighed an ounce. That's not a monkey. That's a squirrel."


Me: "I heard it was a kind of proto-lemur creature. It ate bugs."


Dad: "Well, I just feel monkeys should always weigh more than a goddamn ounce."






On Life:


“Life is like a penis. When it’s soft, you can’t beat it. When it’s hard, it’s a motherfucker.”