Frosted
Flakes
By Dave
Woehrle
The
Kellogg company introduced Frosted Flakes to the market in 1951. The
sugar-coated corn product is one of the bestselling cereals of all time. The
marketing team was tasked with selling the new cereal and they had to compete
with General Mills, the geniuses behind Cheerios, Wheaties, and Chex.
Kellogg’s last big hit was Rice
Krispies, which came out in 1927. These Frosted Flakes had to be the company’s
comeback album.
Tony
the Tiger is the beloved mascot. Voiced first by Dallas McKennon, and then
Thurl Ravenscroft, the catchphrase “They’re grrreatt!” is a nod to fine cereal
and American exceptionalism. It’s a Saturday morning cartoon staple. Frankly,
it’s difficult to imagine a world without Tony the Tiger and Frosted Flakes.
But
all great things, including marketing campaigns, have to start somewhere.
The
following is the transcription of Tony the Tiger's creation:
(Sound of cereal
chewing, pleased grunts)
“Man,
these are great.”
“Yes, they
are. Fine flakes.”
“No, I
mean, they’re really great. They’re great.”
“Yes. I
agree. This is truly tasty cereal.”
“That
should be the slogan.”
“What?”
“They’re
great.”
“They’re
great? That’s it?”
“Yeah.”
“You could
say that about anything. Chrysler Cars…they’re great. French fries…they’re also
great. Pat Boone’s Christmas Specials…they’re great. There’s just no meaning in
it.”
“But
Frosted Flakes are great.”
“Be that
as it may, it can’t be the slogan.”
“People,
we need to think big here. General Mills is wiping the floor with us. (Sighs)
Cheerios.”
“Fucking
Cheerios.”
“Cheerios
aren’t all that good.”
“Cheerios
aren’t all that bad, either. I mean, I know it’s our competition and all, but
Cheerios are dependable. Eating circles of oats at dawn is pretty goddamn comforting.”
“Cheerios?
Give me a fucking break. That’s old hat. And they look like tiny assholes. I
don’t want tiny assholes in my milk. It’s a bland and vulgar breakfast product.”
“I hear
General Mills is gonna introduce a cereal with marshmallows soon. They have a
leprechaun character actor set up and everything.”
“No one’s
going to put marshmallows in cereal, okay? That’s just too much of a good thing.
That’s like putting LSD in your whiskey.”
“Okay
okay. Let’s not lose sight of our goal here. Frost Flakes needs something new
to carry it. Now, mascots could be the way to do that. Does anyone have any
ideas?”
“What
about a cow?”
“What
about it?”
“Well,
Frosted Flakes are corn-based. And cows eat corn.”
“Some do,
yeah, but most cows eat grass.”
“Depends
on the cow, I guess.”
“Do farmers
decide that? Do they have grass in one bucket and corn in another and just
kinda wing it?”
“Cows don’t
eat out of buckets. They eat out of troughs, man. Their milk goes in the
bucket.”
“Guys!
Stop it. Now, what about the cow is appealing other than the fact that it eats corn?”
“It’ll
fly. It’ll wear a cape and it’ll drop down boxes of Frosted Flakes onto happy
American children.”
“No. That’s
too weak. We need to be aggressive here. Remember, people, Cheerios.”
“Fucking
Cheerios.”
“How about
a wolf?
“Man, I
love this cereal. These flakes, man, they’re great. They’re really fucking
great.”
“Hmm, I
like the wolf in a patriotic jumpsuit, sans the lamb attack.”
“But
wolves don’t eat corn, or any cereal, for that matter.”
“And I don’t
eat pussy. But I still like having it around, okay?”
“Seriously?
You don’t muff dive? You don’t tickle the bean of the southern beard? You gay?”
“Guys!
Focus! Let’s all…let’s all just take five and write some notes. We need vision.
(Sound of
silence. Scribbling notes. Some more cereal chewing.)
“They’re
great.”
“Yes, you’ve
made that clear, buddy. No one’s arguing.”
“I got it.
Ready? A tiger. Just a big ass tiger.”
“Yeah.
Yeah! Tigers are fucking awesome.”
“But it
has to be a hip tiger.”
“Yes!”
“Okay okay…I’m
liking it. A friendly tiger.”
“It’ll be
bi-pedal.”
“Don’t
throw those big SAT words at us, fucker.”
“The tiger
will walk on his hind legs, okay?”
“Yeah!
That way he can surf and downhill ski and shit. Be all adventurous. Like
Superman.”
“And it
should definitely be wearing a red banana around his neck.”
“Obviously.”
“Duh.”
“A
no-brainer.”
“Name?”
“Magnus!”
“Larry!”
“Andrew!”
“No, no.
It has to be alliterative.”
“Stop
tossing out your ten-dollar words!”
“A name
that starts with a T, genius. Jesus, how do you keep this job?”
“Timothy.”
“Timothy?
No. Timothy sounds like a fat choir boy.”
“Tom!”
“Tobias!”
“Tyrone!”
“Not that hip of a tiger.”
“Terrence!”
“No. It
has to a name that sounds like a guy who’s really big and kind, but if you
crossed him, he’d really mess you up.”
“Tony!”
“Tony.”
“Tony.
Definitely.”
(More
cereal-chewing)
“Tigers
growl.”
“Well
done. So what?”
“What if
Tony the Tiger said, “They’re great!” but he really laid into the “r” part of
the word?”
“Are we
really going with “They’re great” as our slogan? It’s just that you could say
that – ”
“Shut it!
It could just work. So he’ll say, “They’re grrreat!?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t
know. That just makes Tony sound challenged. Like he’s stuttering in the middle
of a word.”
“It’s a
growl! It would all depend on the voice actor.”
“Clark
Gable?”
“Too
classy.”
“Jackie
Gleason?”
“Too
goofy.”
“My buddy
Dallas McKennon could do it.”
“That guy
looks like a child molester.”
“He is a child molester.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, but
he’s got that voice, a true bad ass bass. And it’s not like they have to see
his weird, pervy face.”
“True. Okay,
so we’re set. A bi-pedal predatory cat, naked except for a red bandana, saying “They’re
Grrreat!” while surfing with children.”
“It seems
so obvious now.”
“American
as apple pie.”
“That’s
what they said about Cheerios.”
“Fucking
Cheerios.”
The first Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes commercial
premiered on the Adventures of Superman
in the late 1950s. The rest is delicious history.
