Arguing About Bears at Work

Arguing About Bears At Work

By: Dave Woehrle

            My co-worker approached me and said, “Do you want to hear something crazy my wife told me about bears?”

            “Sure,” I said.

            “So before bears hibernate, they stuff their anuses full of twigs and leaves. They plug themselves up for the winter so they don’t shit everywhere.”

            “Actually, that’s not true,” I countered. “They have these anal glands that naturally produce resinous oils, which seal the sphincter. My dad told me about it.”

            “That sounds dubious. Why would your dad know that?”

            “He knows things. And why would your wife know that?”

            “Why would my wife lie to me? It's a real thing. The bears also don't want critters running up in there either."

            “How would a bear get twigs and leaves in its ass?”

            “They can squat and maneuver.”

            “You can’t just sit down on stuff and have it go in your ass. This isn’t PornHub.”

            “They probably paw it all up in there.”

            “Dude, bears don’t have opposable thumbs. They can’t grab.”

            “They only have to do it once a year.”

            “What?”

            “It’s just once a year.”

            “That doesn’t…Jesus, man. The frequency of it doesn’t matter. It could never happen. Think of the physics of it. Bears are on all fours.” I got on all fours to demonstrate the difficulty.

            My co-worker, on two legs, squatted, reached back and grabbed his butt. “This is how they do it, Dave.”

            “But…they can’t pick stuff up.”

            “Hey man, I have three cats. If a cat can lick its own asshole, then I’m sure a bear can finger itself.”

            I threw my hands up and walked away.

            Later, we continued our debate.

            “There’s no way bears are just going around in the fall, putting stuff up their butts,” I said.

            “Maybe another bear puts in there. Like they take turns.”

            “Listen to the words coming out of your face right now. They take turns?”

            “Yeah. Like it’s a buddy system.”

            “There’s no bear butt buddy system. And still, that other bear can’t even fucking clutch anything to jam in there.”

            “Dude, your theory is way worse. You just think bears have these magical assholes that self-seal? That’s ludicrous.”

            “It’s called evolution.”

            “It’s called bullshit.”

            Eventually, he consulted Google on his phone. He found an article on Buzzfeed and nodded thoughtfully at his screen.

            “Okay,” he said. “Turns out we’re both right. It says right before hibernation, the bear enjoys a final meal of bark, pinecone, and its own hair. The fibrous material lodges in the bear’s butt, forming a plug. And then in spring, the bear just pushes it out.”

            “Huh.”

            “Wanna see the bear butt plug?”

            “I do.”

            Of course, this is the moment our boss walked by.

            “What are you guys doing? Get to work,” our boss said.

            “We’re looking at bear butt plugs.”

            Our boss shook his head. “Just paint the damn ceiling, guys. I don’t want to hear about your kinky shit.”