The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 2)

The Way Things Ought To Be (Vol. 2)
by: Dave Woehrle

(Note: these writings are meant to be comedic. As the great German composer Johannes Brahms put it, "If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon." Or, as my Grandpa Woehrle used to put it, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Coffeehouse Open Mic Night

Coffeehouse open mic nights ought to be more accurately renamed "Sad Thin White People With Guitars / Occasional Fat Girl Reading a Poem About Birds."

Females Saying "Nothing"

When a female is angry and distant, and a male boyfriend asks "What's wrong?" the woman will say, "Nothing." However, she does not mean "nothing is wrong." What she ought to say is the following: "I'm upset. However, I will not tell you why I'm upset. You will have to arbitrarily guess as to what is bothering me. This includes not only bad things you have done, but things you have NOT done, things you forgot to do/say/think/feel. I hope you feel real bad for a few days while I remain silently mad. That is all."

Yogurt

You never see men in yogurt commercials. There ought to be men in yogurt commercials. I don't have a vagina, but I do enjoy my morning Yoplait. The dairy marketing feminists have taken things too far.

Fun Size / King Size

Candy companies ought to stop naming small candy bars "Fun Size" and large candy bars "King Size" for it implies being a king isn't fun, and I don't think that's the case. There's a reason people want to be king, to rule the world: it's awesome. You get respect and bling and concubines and jesters and bad ass cheetah-skin robes. Conversely, history has shown the small peons of society had very little fun. The only fun they could have was dictated by the kingdom's rules. In other words, the opposite of "fun" isn't "king." The unit of measure is metaphorically confusing.

Candy bars ought to be named "Peasant Size" and "King Size." That way, during Halloween, you could go to your door and, judging by the child's aroma and costume, decide their socio-economic status snack. Little Jayden, smelling like Trust Fund and Country Club membership, wearing a brand-new Optimus Prime get-up, would get a "King Size." Little Rusty, smelling of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and WWF Raw reruns, wearing a soiled bed sheet with two non-equidistant holes in it, would get the "Peasant Size." It's called reality. And besides, how else are kids going to learn about feudalism nowadays?

Masturbation As Patriotic

Masturbation ought to be considered patriotic. In a country so fiercely proud of its Git-Er-Dun independence, it's odd an activity in which a citizen literally takes matters in his/her own hands is frowned upon. It's just so American to dive down into the trenches and rise gloriously to blissful freedom. And what do you REALLY think about when you hear the words "above the fruited plain" in "America the Beautiful"?

Perhaps our Christian Puritan roots hindered our private-playing pride, but what about the hymn "Come All Ye Faithful?" Besides the great title, the song contains such wink-wink phrases as "Come and Behold Him!" and "Born this happy morning!" and "Now in flesh appearing!"

The French refer to the orgasm as "la petite mort" (the little death). Leave it to the retreat-hungry French to find defeat in something so great.

I just hope I live to see a bumper sticker on a pick-up truck that reads "These colors don't run. They come hard."