Five Short Pieces About Moisture

Five Short Pieces About Moisture

By: Dave Woehrle

1.

Rain is silent until impact. Before it collides with house, ground, porch, leaf, or us, each drop is a wet faceless mute in free fall. On the way down, it just hums a long meditative ‘Om’ before splashing a short ‘Ouch’ on a black city umbrella.

2.

It was raining on and off for awhile and my friend said, “Yeah, the weatherman said the storm was gonna hit us or miss us and go a little north of here.”

I laughed and said, “So basically he said it’s gonna rain or it won’t? You could say that everyday.”

“No, dude. He had a forecast. He said it might go north of us.”

“Right, but what I’m saying is that the weatherman kind of copped out with a big fat maybe, which what the weather is everyday. You don’t need a weatherman for that.”

“But he KNEW where the rain was going to be. He had a forecast. All that radar and a buncha green stuff coming in…what’s it called? Starts with a P.”

“Precipitation.”

“Right! Precipitation. There was a lot of that coming in.”

“You’re not seeing my point. I could say the world is going to end tomorrow, or it isn’t, and I’d always be right.”

“Whatever,” he sighed. “Look! It’s raining now.” He pointed to the window and nodded smugly.

3.

Many astronomers believe the universe is tear-shaped and beige, as if all of creation is just a crying man in khakis. And I guess that’s okay. It fits the tragicomedy of days.

4.

Everyone knows the shower is the best place to cry, but no one ever talks about it.

5.

My co-worker at the bakery said, “Dave, you’ll never guess what I found.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I was out putting out the muffins and checking the inventory, and right next to the cupcakes, I found rocks.”

“Rocks?”

“Yeah. Just a handful of wet rocks by the cupcakes.” She opened her hand to show four moist gray stones.

“Wow. That’s really weird,” I laughed.

“You just never know what you’ll find.”

Who does that? Who brings wet rocks to a store and places them next to cupcakes? That’s some Blair Witch shit. And how were they moistened? Spit? Tears? Perhaps he snagged the four stones from the river and said, “Your river days are over, friends. Your new delicious companions are waiting at the nearest bakery.”