Tales From the Deli (Vol. 1)

Tales from the Deli (Vol. 1): Is There Anything in That?

By: Dave Woehrle

I work at a high-end deli. By “high-end,” I mean the women are older, wear more make-up and jewelry, and are perpetually pissed off.

The following is true.

A woman in her late 50s walks up to the deli counter glass display, stoops, points to the vinegar and oil coleslaw, and asks, “Is there anything in that?”

I wait for her to rephrase her question, for her to specify her concern over the ingredients. Perhaps she meant to inquire about fat or salt contents.

However, she does not rephrase her question. She just stares at me, all furrowed brow and vague disgust.

Her question hangs in the air: IS. THERE. ANYTHING. IN. THAT?

Before I continue, I should mention I’m 85 percent smart-ass. The devil on my shoulder is constantly muttering comedic thunderbolts.

My initial reaction was to answer, “Yep.” And then nod once. Put the ball back in her court, so to speak.

Or say, “Yep. There’s definitely something in that. That’s what makes it something. If there was nothing in it, it wouldn’t be a something.”

Or say, “No. There’s nothing in that. It’s anti-matter. It’s a blackhole. It’s a goddamn cosmological phenomenon. You know that old Asian astrophysicist dude from the Science Channel? He comes here after we close and stares at this non-existent coleslaw and vigorously masturbates.”

Of course, customer service jobs always require a suspension of disbelief at the general public’s stupidity. No amount of logic or education can prepare one for the baffling reality of consumers – i.e. Confused White People With Money. If there’s one word I wouldn’t use to describe the typical customer, it’s “aware.”

So I bit my tongue, smiled, and politely listed the ingredients.

Then she asked my favorite question in food service, “Is it any good?”

I said what I always say, “Yeah. It’s great.”

How the hell else do you answer that question in the food industry? The buyer-seller relationship dictates that I tell you what I’m selling is good, right? It’s not like I can say, “No, m’am. It’s bad. It’s really bad. If you eat it, you will die in about 4 hours.”

Anyway, she ends buys a half pound of vinegar and oil coleslaw.

Later, I think of God pondering and pointing at Earth, asking, “Is there anything in that? Is it any good?”

I guess they can be good questions.